A longing to be seen

 I'm such a loud outgoing person, but sometimes I just don't feel seen. 

Since the time I was little I have always been loud. I was that kid in class who was constantly being told to use her inside voice (which was clearly what I was already using). No joke one time I was standing in a big group of friends back in high school and this girl asks, "why is it so loud?" and in unison my friends on both sides of her go, "Denae's here." 

I have lot's of friends. I'm super social. I can scroll through my phone or social media and find many great people who love and care about me. The logic part of my brain understands that. It has labeled us as an extrovert. It thrives in large groups of people. It speaks up in pretty much any situation we find ourselves in. (work, church, social, etc) 

And yet, sometimes I feel like no matter how loud I am or how often I'm surrounded by others I don't feel like anyone really see's me. 

I often wonder if others ever feel this way too. Like behind this mask that we show to the world there is a longing to be understood. 

It's almost like there is this huge vulnerable section of my soul that wants to be let out but doesn't know how. Am I alone in this? Do other people feel it too? Sometimes it feels like I'm just running through the motions of life, being this happy, loud carefree human but really there is this deep longing for sometime to stop and see what's under all of that effervescent top layer to the girl under. 

To see the parts of me that I'm still learning about. To see who I really am and the potential that I have. That we all have inside. Isn't that what the worth of souls really means? That inside of us there is a deep beautiful things that is worth knowing. A soul that is flawed and been carved up by this crazy world we live in. But one that is also strong because even though we face hard things it hasn't given up yet. 

Life can be so incredibly heavy sometimes. It feels like nothing else can be added to our plates and then something else plops itself right down on top. We feel like it's just too much to keep going. Our souls get tired. Mine sure does. 

But time moves on. And we take it one day at a time. One step at a time. We find those people who stop long enough to see the true worth of our souls. Who see us. As we really, truly are. They push past our social anxieties or our sarcastic commentary. The social labels we've pushed upon ourselves, introvert, talkative, bossy, shy, assertive, quirky, focused, don't stop them from seeing the real soul underneath. 
From loving the real soul underneath. Our potential as a human being determines our worth more than any societal role ever will. 

They stop and see us. 

They see me. 

Life is a series of growth opportunities. Some a bit more scary than others. We can rarely change the circumstances life throws our way, but we always get to control our reaction to them. We get to decide if we stand tall and keep going. That doesn't mean we don't have hard days or sad days. It doesn't mean we do everything perfect. It just means we continue to live. 

We live. And we search for those people who really see us. Who care about the potential inside of the beautifully flawed individual. They see the worth of the soul. 

I guess this is just what has been weighing on my mind these past few months as I've considered my life where it is right now. I quit my job starting next fall. I pretend to date. I'm basically just making shit up as I go. (I would say excuse my language but one thing I've learned in my adult years is you can still love Jesus and swear.) I'm not really sure what the next 6 months will be like. 

I'm so far from perfect. I'm rarely feel the loud put together human I show to the world. But I'm trying. And at the end of the day, that's all the really matters. That tomorrow we get up and we keep trying. From exactly where we are. We run this race called life one step at a time. 

I hope we can each take a little more time to really see each other. To see and love the potential in one another. Because we all have it. We all have beautifully imperfect souls that we get to work on each and every day. As my favorite apostle once said in general conference,

 we get credit for trying

Love,

Nae