Pray like everything depends on God, work like it depends on you

Being a teacher during a pandemic is hard. Being a teacher in the summer during a pandemic is boring. Being a single teacher in the summer during a pandemic is making me slowly lose my mind. Enter Sunday. I joked to someone the other day that Sunday has turned into the one day a week that I don't go to the store but that's pretty much the only thing that makes it any different than the rest of my week. "At home church" when you are single basically just looks like scripture study..... which I try to do every day.... Sometimes I go to my parents house for the sacrament but now they are going back to church too and it's just a weird thing that is happening.

This morning I decided I wanted Sunday to be different. I don't want to feel like the only distinguishing feature is that I don't go to the store. So I decided that I'm going to start doing a blog post each Sunday of what I have been learning or thinking about each week. This is mostly just for me, but I figure maybe there are some other people out there who also feel like me. So I'm willing to share. Also I miss sharing my testimony. I'm that weirdo who actually likes public speaking and love to talk about Jesus so speaking in church is fun to me. Teaching is probably more fun though because I get to think of engaging ways to help other people come to love Jesus more. (can we see why I decided to become a teacher.... I honestly almost taught seminary instead of Kindergarten but 5 year olds are A LOT cuter that teenagers. And teaching a child to read is magical) 

Anyways, that was a long explanation for why I am now here writing what I am today. This week I might have had a slight mental break down (just a little baby guy) about life right now. 

I am a little bit of a control freak. In that I want to know how things are going to go so that I can make sure I am ready for it. This unknown thing that is the upcoming school year has my anxiety through the roof. What's worse is that it's not like people are trying to make it such a mess, the world right now is just kinda a mess.

But my anxiety isn't just from the fact that we don't know what school is going to look like this fall. It's a little deeper rooted than that. (although it is a contributing factor) My biggest issue is the fact that my job is the one thing in my life that brings me the most joy and fulfillment. I'm not married, no kiddos to be seen at my house. So I give my all into my job. And for the first time since I started 3 years ago I'm not excited to go back. Which basically means that my life right now doesn't have a whole lot of depth. There isn't much pushing me along. I am a creature of structure. When I have structure I thrive. When I don't well hot mess is a term I like to employ. What's worse is when I have to create the structure for myself. Because Monday Denae will have so many exciting things for Tuesday Denae to do. But Tuesday Denae will say f that man, I'm gonna lay here on my couch and read a book all day. Which is ok. Until Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday Denae think that the couch idea is pretty great so they also join in. And pretty soon we have reached the hot mess portion of our program. 

I know this about myself. Aug. to May it's not really an issue because I have a job that I go to every day. And I learned from past summers to make sure that I plan and have things to do. I usually make a summer buck list. But you see summer bucket lists because real complicated during a pandemic. 

So here we are. Everything that brought me structure in life, gone. And so I might have possibly had a small mental break down yesterday. Also it was a holiday and I have grown to not be the biggest fan of holidays because they kinda make me feel super alone but that's another whole blog post in and of itself (ask me how I feel about Christmas, hint: not my fave) 

So here I am sitting in my bed crying. Just feeling so overwhelmed. I pull out my patriarchal blessing thinking maybe that will help me feel better. And it does. Why? Because I reached out to God. I was hurting. I was sad. And he was there. I happened to open up my blessing, but I honestly think opening my scriptures would have worked too. I put in an effort. I prayed and I acted. I did something. And he answered. He pulled out an oldie but a goodie from my personal life, trust in his timing. 

I had to stop and really think about timing. If you know me you know that I am all about speed. I talk fast, read fast, think fast. Which is why I always thought I would do this whole family thing fast too. But I haven't. 

But you know what I have been able to do. Serve a mission. Get an education. Teach over 150 students how to read. Travel. Make forever friendships. Serve in the temple. Buy a home. Rescue a dog. Love life. Learn about Christ. Maybe pick up a little bit of patience on the way. 

My big take away this week, the thing I guess you could call my testimony is that God is in our lives. He knows how anxious I am about this coming school year. He knows how much it hurts to feel alone. But he also knows what I need to grow. I am not the same girl I was 5 years ago. (when I for SURE thought I would finally get married) I've learned a lot of hard life lessons since then. I've grown and changed. Repented and learned. Every step of the way he has been there. every. single. one. 

He knows us. He knows what we need to grow. What makes me grow won't be what makes you grow.  

One of my favorite quotes from my mission (not going to remember who said it.... because that would be useful) says, "pray like everything depends on God and work like everything depends on you." 

I guess those are my thoughts this Sunday. I love this gospel. I love my Savior. If you ever just want to hang out and talk about Jesus, I'm your girl! God knows us. He knows how to turn us into the very best version of ourselves. (not the best version of your neighbor, but the best version of YOU) That's what I love about the atonement and the gospel. It's about being the very best version of ME. So pray like becoming the best version of you depends on God, but work like it depends on you. And remember that becoming the best version of you sometimes involves things you aren't super excited about such as global pandemics or being the token single aunt. God's perspective isn't ours. I just have to trust that he knows what he's doing :) 

Love,

Nae