sometimes I struggle.
Sometimes I wonder why I started to write a blog. To be honest I wrote the 1st post because it was nagging at me, like it was all just STUCK in my brain and I needed to get it out. And then once I did get it out it was just sitting in front of me. I had an overwhelming urge to hit the share button.... and then I did.
I've been shocked that my thoughts and feelings have meant anything to anyone else.
Here I am again. With some thoughts just STUCK all up in my brain. So again I'm going to type them out. And share them with you.
I recently finished reading the Book of Mormon earlier this week. I didn't actually read the book all the way through until I was 16 years old. After I finally finished it I started to keep track on the title page of the times that I was reading it. I would put my start date and then once I finished I would jot down the end date. I marked the time my senior year where I read it for my seminaries "march madness" (they encouraged us to read the entire book in the month of march) I marked the time that my YSA ward read it in a little less than a weekend. (such an amazing experience!) I marked the times I read it on my mission. And just a day ago I marked the end of President Nelson's challenge.
In the 6 years from the time I 1st read it, through the end of my mission there are a lot of start and end dates.
In the little over 4 years since I've been home there aren't near as many.
Why?
Because coming home from a mission and being an active member of the church is hard.
We all joke about how weird some people are when they get home. We are sad when we see those who don't stay active. We aren't always too surprised to see that this elder and that sister are now dating.
But we don't talk about how difficult it can be.
And you know what! It's not just for RM's. It's for all of us!
I cannot deny my knowledge of the restoration of the gospel. I can't. I have had WAY too many experiences in my life that tell me God is real. And He knows me. The other night I was talking with a good friend and as we were talking I was reminded of experience after experience that testify of this in my life.
But even so. There are times when I just don't want to do it. When I'm tired. When I feel like no matter what I do, it's not going to be enough. Or it's not going to really actually matter in the long run. So why do it?
My whole life I've felt like I have this role to play. I'm the nice little LDS girl. I do what I'm supposed to. I make good choices. I'm always at the activity. I'm the girl you can count on in a tight spot. I'll always volunteer to say a pray, or teach a lesson, or lead the music.
I have a testimony. I do. But sometimes I just don't want to be that girl. I want to admit, OUT LOUD, that I have doubts, or problems. That while the gospel has helped me so much in my life, sometimes it doesn't feel like it matters. That reading your scriptures and saying your prayers is NOT AWAYS GOING TO FIX ALL OF YOUR PROBLEMS. yes those things are important, but sometimes life just freaking sucks. and it's hard. and showing up to church on Sunday isn't going to fix or change that. Sometimes I go to church simply because it's what I have done for my entire life. It's a habit. I enjoy being there and I often feel the spirit and learn things but I'm there because it's what I do on Sunday.
Do you know what I have realized recently. I'm not the only person who feels this way. But for some reason we are terrified to admit to each other that this is how so many of us feel. So many of us are broken or hurting and we fail to see it. We put on our happy "life is rainbows and kittens' faces and we show up to church, we spew the "sunday school" answers and then we go back home in pain.
God taught me something this week. It's that feeling these feelings is part of life. The Atonement exists because this life was NEVER supposed to be easy. It was NEVER supposed to be a fake sense of happiness every. single. day. We are meant to have hard times. We were meant to sometimes feel broken. But His church was supposed to be a place where broken people come to heal. In Moroni chapter 6 it says, "the church did meet together oft...... to speak one with another concerning the welfare of their souls."
the welfare of our souls. Not a high light reel of what great members we are being. But how our soul is faring.
I'm the first person to admit that there are times I go to church and give the expected answers because that's what we have always done. You want to know the story of Nephi and the plates, or any other Book of Mormon story, I can regurgitate it for you. But I wish it could be more than that.
I am excited for this new curriculum that the church is initiating. I honestly hope that we can use it to be a little more vulnerable with each other. And that when someone is vulnerable we don't all of a sudden view them as our next "project". No one wants to feel like that. I sure don't. But sometimes I want to be able to share when I am hurting. And know that I'm not the only one. Some of the most powerful moments I have had at church come when someone (following the direction of the spirit) shares their story. And not just the great parts, but the raw and real parts. When we admit just how much we need the Atonement. When it's not about giving the "right" answer, but sharing the things of our souls.
I didn't write this post so that everyone will tell me how great I am, or it's okay! I wrote it because I honestly believe there are others who feel this way too. And because I don't want to feel ashamed to admit that I struggle. That I can claim to have a testimony of the gospel and still not have all my ish together. To admit that just because I fall asleep reading the scriptures or sometimes would rather binge watch Netflix than go to the temple after a long day at school, doesn't make me a terrible person. It makes me human.
And I hope you can know that for you too.
God loves us. Of that I have no doubt.
Love,
Nae
I've been shocked that my thoughts and feelings have meant anything to anyone else.
Here I am again. With some thoughts just STUCK all up in my brain. So again I'm going to type them out. And share them with you.
I recently finished reading the Book of Mormon earlier this week. I didn't actually read the book all the way through until I was 16 years old. After I finally finished it I started to keep track on the title page of the times that I was reading it. I would put my start date and then once I finished I would jot down the end date. I marked the time my senior year where I read it for my seminaries "march madness" (they encouraged us to read the entire book in the month of march) I marked the time that my YSA ward read it in a little less than a weekend. (such an amazing experience!) I marked the times I read it on my mission. And just a day ago I marked the end of President Nelson's challenge.
In the 6 years from the time I 1st read it, through the end of my mission there are a lot of start and end dates.
In the little over 4 years since I've been home there aren't near as many.
Why?
Because coming home from a mission and being an active member of the church is hard.
We all joke about how weird some people are when they get home. We are sad when we see those who don't stay active. We aren't always too surprised to see that this elder and that sister are now dating.
But we don't talk about how difficult it can be.
And you know what! It's not just for RM's. It's for all of us!
I cannot deny my knowledge of the restoration of the gospel. I can't. I have had WAY too many experiences in my life that tell me God is real. And He knows me. The other night I was talking with a good friend and as we were talking I was reminded of experience after experience that testify of this in my life.
But even so. There are times when I just don't want to do it. When I'm tired. When I feel like no matter what I do, it's not going to be enough. Or it's not going to really actually matter in the long run. So why do it?
My whole life I've felt like I have this role to play. I'm the nice little LDS girl. I do what I'm supposed to. I make good choices. I'm always at the activity. I'm the girl you can count on in a tight spot. I'll always volunteer to say a pray, or teach a lesson, or lead the music.
I have a testimony. I do. But sometimes I just don't want to be that girl. I want to admit, OUT LOUD, that I have doubts, or problems. That while the gospel has helped me so much in my life, sometimes it doesn't feel like it matters. That reading your scriptures and saying your prayers is NOT AWAYS GOING TO FIX ALL OF YOUR PROBLEMS. yes those things are important, but sometimes life just freaking sucks. and it's hard. and showing up to church on Sunday isn't going to fix or change that. Sometimes I go to church simply because it's what I have done for my entire life. It's a habit. I enjoy being there and I often feel the spirit and learn things but I'm there because it's what I do on Sunday.
Do you know what I have realized recently. I'm not the only person who feels this way. But for some reason we are terrified to admit to each other that this is how so many of us feel. So many of us are broken or hurting and we fail to see it. We put on our happy "life is rainbows and kittens' faces and we show up to church, we spew the "sunday school" answers and then we go back home in pain.
God taught me something this week. It's that feeling these feelings is part of life. The Atonement exists because this life was NEVER supposed to be easy. It was NEVER supposed to be a fake sense of happiness every. single. day. We are meant to have hard times. We were meant to sometimes feel broken. But His church was supposed to be a place where broken people come to heal. In Moroni chapter 6 it says, "the church did meet together oft...... to speak one with another concerning the welfare of their souls."
the welfare of our souls. Not a high light reel of what great members we are being. But how our soul is faring.
I'm the first person to admit that there are times I go to church and give the expected answers because that's what we have always done. You want to know the story of Nephi and the plates, or any other Book of Mormon story, I can regurgitate it for you. But I wish it could be more than that.
I am excited for this new curriculum that the church is initiating. I honestly hope that we can use it to be a little more vulnerable with each other. And that when someone is vulnerable we don't all of a sudden view them as our next "project". No one wants to feel like that. I sure don't. But sometimes I want to be able to share when I am hurting. And know that I'm not the only one. Some of the most powerful moments I have had at church come when someone (following the direction of the spirit) shares their story. And not just the great parts, but the raw and real parts. When we admit just how much we need the Atonement. When it's not about giving the "right" answer, but sharing the things of our souls.
I didn't write this post so that everyone will tell me how great I am, or it's okay! I wrote it because I honestly believe there are others who feel this way too. And because I don't want to feel ashamed to admit that I struggle. That I can claim to have a testimony of the gospel and still not have all my ish together. To admit that just because I fall asleep reading the scriptures or sometimes would rather binge watch Netflix than go to the temple after a long day at school, doesn't make me a terrible person. It makes me human.
And I hope you can know that for you too.
God loves us. Of that I have no doubt.
Love,
Nae
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