Learning to love me, insecurities and all.

Let's be real, being a girl can totally suck sometimes. Do your hair, wear cute clothes, don't look like a clown when you try to wear make-up. Ate too many donuts and now your kinda chubby.

The list could go on and on and on, each of us adding something different based on our own personal life and struggles. 

My list would include, 

stop being so loud
learn how to flirt ya loser
exercise, not extra fries
stop looking like a hobo in public
you don't ALWAYS have to win
 

Can we take a second and talk about insecurities? Because we ALL have them. The above mentioned list is an example of a few of mine. Growing up I often let my insecurities define me. When I was about 15 I made a choice in my life. I decided that I was so sick and tired of trying to fit in all the time. I had spent all of Jr. High trying to be someone that I thought people wanted me to be, and never felt like I was good enough. Around this same time my parents gave me a choice. They told me I could go to the local high school or I could decide to go to school where my Dad taught, 30 minutes away. 

 I decided to go to school with my dad. Which meant I was starting high school with a clean slate. I didn't know anyone. But I made myself a promise. I decided that I was just going to be myself and no matter what happened, even if I had no friends, at least I would be being true to me. 

I was kinda shocked but incredibly happy when I went on to make the best group of friends.  In fact I currently live with one of them. And they did love me for who I was. Loud mouth, homeless clothes and all! 

But that didn't stop the voice in my head that continued to quote all of my faults to me.

you talk too much
stop being a know it all
no ones thighs should be that big and have a butt that small


Fast forward a lot of years through college, mission, back to college, living at home, and finally to this past year where I am officially doing this whole adult live on your own, pay all the bills thing. 

And I'm still struggling with some of these same stupid things that I always have. 

I love myself, I think. I tell myself I do. And I am unapologetic to the world about who I am. I've learned through the years that it's not worth it to be fake. Fake people are the worst.

Then one day I look into my bathroom mirror. And I decided, you know what? I am beautiful. I deserve love and respect. I don't know what changed but that day I had this huge epiphany. I realized that we can't love ourselves conditionally. We can't decide that we like who we are only if we lose 10 pounds. or we get that new job. Or buy that new outfit. We get to love ourselves just the way that we are. Because that's how God loves us. 

That's not to say that we don't need to keep working to improve and become better. That's part of life. But we do get to love ourselves through the process. 

Let's clarify something too. I have ALWAYS felt that I deserve to be treated with respect. Anyone who knows me knows that I don't put up with peoples crap. I am a child of God and a human being, therefore I deserve respect. This journey was more about accepting my insecurities and loving myself in spite of them. 

I'm still learning to love me every single day. The more I allow myself to accept God's love, the easier it is. Love yourself. And not just someday, but right now. Kick your mental list to the curb and know that you are amazing right now. 

Love, 
Nae 


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