Life plans. Mine v.s. Gods

If you would have asked me what my life was going to look like when I was 18 and just getting ready to graduate high school I would have said the following,

18-19 Freshman in college, have fun, be crazy.
20- 21 start dating a boy
22 get married and graduate college
22-25 be happily married and teach kindergarten
25 start having babies
25-35 have approximately  6 children maybe work party time
40-60 teach full time while finishing raising my family
60+ retired and enjoy my life as a mom and eventually grandma

Not that I thought about it a lot or anything......

Well God had a little bit of a different plan for me. and by a little bit different I mean the only thing I managed to get right is that I do in fact teacher Kindergarten.

So what happened? Why am I not happily pregnant with my first baby right now like my little 18 year old self planned?

Well you see God had a different plan for me. One that, if we are being honest here, hasn't exactly been easy, or what I wanted. But I can tell you that it's been 100% perfect for me.

Here's what really went down.

I went to college as a freshman and for sure did some crazy stupid things. Made memories I will never forget. Then my Sept. of my Sophomore year the Holy Ghost rocked my world. One night as I was volunteering watching some youngins for a married institute class I heard clear as day the words, "you're not going to be in Cedar City next semester" to which I responded with a "huh what???" and then again in a way I could not deny, "you're not going to be in Cedar City next semester". Well not to be overly dramatic but that basically scared the ever loving daylights out of me because I had no idea why. I had scholarships at SUU, I had a year long housing contract, I was only a Sophomore. I swore to myself that I would NEVER EVER EVER go to school in Utah County. So where was I supposed to go? and What was I supposed to do?What did all of this mean? So I did what any reasonable adult female would do,

 I called my Mom crying.

 Being the amazing mom that she is, she encouraged me to calm down and take some time to fast and pray about what this could mean. So I did. I got the strongest impression that I needed to just keep doing the little things in my life. I needed to pray, read my scriptures, go to church, attend FHE, magnify my calling. Do anything I could to invite the spirit into my life. So I did. And to be honest life was rough for the next few weeks. Things with my roommates got crazy dramatic for seemingly no reason. I was stressed about money (gotta love that poor college student life). But all of a sudden a thought just kept coming to me.

I wanted to serve a mission.

To keep things in perspective I was about to turn 20 in a few weeks. At the time the mission age was 21. I had a full year to get ready and serve the Lord. I even talked to my bishop about it. One day after church I told him I needed to come talk to him. His response was, "just marry him" I laughed and said no bishop! I want to serve a mission. He told me to come see him and that we would start working on my papers in the spring and I could be in the MTC on my 21st birthday. I called my Mom on Monday morning and told her I was going to go on a mission and I was going to go right when I turned 21.

The next Saturday was general conference. The Prophet stood up and announced that the mission age would officially be changed from 21 to 19.

And my life clicked into place.

Fast forward 6 months to the next general conference and I was sitting in the MTC waiting for a short plane ride to Rapid City, South Dakota.

My mission changed my life. It taught me more about the Atonement and who I am as a person than any other experience I will ever have. I came closer to my Savior and felt His love in ways I cannot even begin to describe. I cried harder than I ever have in my life. I wanted to quit multiple times a week, sometimes multiple times a day. I met the most amazing, caring people and taught with the Spirit on a daily basis. I studied and read the Gospel with a new set of eyes. I learned what the Plan of Salvation really was. I laughed and did dorky things with my companions. It was the best decision I had ever made in my entire life. About 17 months in I got sick. Really sick.

They told me that my gallbladder didn't work. And gave me two choices. Life in extreme pain for little less than 2 months to finish out my mission. Or go home now.

I cried and I prayed, I received blessings. and I knew. The good choice was to stay and finish, the better choice was to go home.

So home I went.

And it sucked. I pretended to be happy but really I wasn't. I remember sitting at my kitchen counter sobbing talking to my mom telling her that it wasn't fair, because I had absolutely no control over my stupid gallbladder. There was nothing I could have done different to stay and finish my mission. I felt like a failure.

I got 2 jobs, I worked hard and in a few months I went back to school.

I decided that there had to be a reason I came home early. I secretly convinced myself it was so I could get married. but let's just go ahead and say that, that was not the case.

I got back to SUU and I hated it. None of my friends were there anymore. I felt alone. I prayed and prayed begging Heavenly Father to just help me out in some way. To help me find a husband, or to make some friends. Or even better yet, tell me to transfer away from SUU. But He didn't.

Instead he told me to "trust in the timing of my life"

ya, whatever that means.

I went home for the summer, and in Aug. when I was preparing to head back to school I went to see my Bishop (mostly to complain about how Heavenly Father was making me go back to the worst place ever, AKA Cedar City Utah) He said something to me that changed my last 2 years of college, He said "Denae, if God wants you to be in Cedar City then He will help you to be happy. He wouldn't send you somewhere and want you to be unhappy. Pray and ask Him for his help to find happiness."

So I repented of my pity party and I did what he suggested. That year I met some of the best friends I've ever had. At the end of the school year I literally didn't want to leave my house to move back home. I was happy. In Cedar City.

Believe me no one was more shocked than me.

Fast forward to my Senior year. I just turn 24 and I've been home from my mission for a solid 2 years. Still nothing in the boyfriend/husband department. (like nothing. As in never even asked out on a date the entire time I attended Southern Utah University) And I'm just slightly bitter about it. Well maybe a smidge more than slightly.

I've basically convinced myself that I'm going to die alone.


Then one Sunday while I am throwing myself an epic pity party and basically complaining my little heart away to God I decide to go for a drive around town. Again the phrase, "trust in the timing of your life" pops up in my head. Which, to be frank, is not exactly what I wanted to be hearing from God right then.

Thankfully God knows me. Enough to know that my sassy pants self sometimes needs a little bit of a smack upside the head. As I was driving I all of a sudden realized something about my life. The Spirit helped me to see that my education was incredibly important. And at that point in my life being an educated woman was more important than having a ring on my finger.

Now I've grown up in Utah County. I've always, always, always known that getting an education was non-negotiable in my life. But being LDS I've always seen marriage as the most important thing that I could do in my life. It's by far the biggest decision I will ever make. And until that moment in my car I never realized that maybe marriage wasn't the most important thing. At least not at that time of my life.

and then the stupid quote started to make sense. Trust in the timing of your life.

I wasn't being told that getting married wasn't the right thing or even a good thing, I was being told that at that time in my life education was more important. Because for whatever reason I need my teaching degree. To accomplish what I need to accomplish in this life, and to be the person God needs me to be, I needed to have my degree.

So I finish in Cedar. I move home to do my student teaching. I'm living in Utah county. I'm literally in Mormonville USA surrounded by eligible YSA men. but guess what! I'm still the definition of single.

I graduate college. I move out. I keep doing the good Mormon girl things.

Nothing changes.

I hope that the "timing" of my life will finally be the time to get married.

But it's not. Aug. comes. School starts. and I find a way to be happy. Because I am happy! I convince myself that it's okay if I am single for the rest of my life. I have an amazing family. I adore my nieces and nephews. I have the best job in the world, surrounded by 5 and 6 year olds who I cherish. I nearly cry on my way home from my first day of teaching because I finally made it! I finally get to live my dream.

But a small part of my get's bitter. And stops believing in love.

One day in Oct. I go to the temple. And because God is merciful something beautiful happens. He starts to heal my broken heart. A heart I didn't even realized was broken. He reminds me that I am a beautiful daughter of God who deserves to be loved and cared for. That His promise to me of a family is real and that I don't have to be alone and miserable. That I shouldn't just "accept" my lot as the crazy single aunt.

Basically that's life. Up until today. Today is a regular day. I'm still single. I'm absolutely not pregnant with my first baby (although if you ask my afternoon kindergarten class they seem to think otherwise. Let me tell you, those kiddo's are very concerned with my dating life)

Am I bitter? No. When I look back at my "life plan" has it gone the way I expected? No.

Would I change a thing about it?

No.

My life post high school has been a roller coaster ride that I had no idea I would travel. I never planned to serve a mission. I never planned to be single at 25. But God did. He knew what I needed. He knows where I need to go. He knows how to help me learn and grow. He knew how to help me be happy. He listened to me complain. And not just a little bit, like a lot. He never left me alone. He never gave me what I wanted even when I begged and begged for it, because He's always known that what I want has not always been what I need. I'm happy I didn't get married young. I'm ecstatic  I have a college degree. Teaching is literally my life long dream. I love my job. I love my life. I don't know where the next few chapters in life will take me, but I know they are where I'm supposed to be.

Life is rarely what we want or plan it to be. God sees the big picture. He knows who we are destined to become. Sometimes we just have to hold tight to that knowledge, and believe not only in better days to come, but that better days are right here, right now. We can't be happy "someday when"
Someday when I am married. or someday when I have kids. or someday when I make more money. you can always be looking for a someday when.

This was a very long rambling post to basically say, trust God. Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ know us, love us, and want what is best for us. Even when we think otherwise.

Be happy today. And trust in the timing of your life.

Love,
          Nae