Overflowing with I- just- can't- even's and utter exhaustion

 I am exhausted. In pretty much every definition of the word. 

Physically

Mentally

Emotionally

Spiritually 

Every day I feel like I accomplish 3 tasks to have 7 more added to my plate. I'm so proud of myself for getting my to do list done to only then realize that it was only the tip of the ice berg. 

Let me give you an example. 

I left school on Friday feeling great about surviving the first week. I told myself that I was ready for week two, that things were great. I cleaned my whole house on Saturday (I'm talking dishes, laundry, I even MOPPED my floors people.) I went to the grocery store. Sunday afternoon I was feeling really great about myself. Then I got my weekly school email and realized that I have like 10 million things I had forgot about and was not nearly as prepared as I had convinced myself. 

To summarize I went from, Wow I am doing so great! to, Wow I forgot so many things! 

In the past few weeks I have found myself having to say over and over again, I just can't care about that right now. It's like I've reached this limit of how many cares I can give. It's not that things aren't important or I don't think that they don't have meaning, I just literally cannot care about them. I imagine myself like a glass of water that is just over flowing all over the place. You can keep pouring water in but the glass can only hold as much as it can hold. 

When you are this tired it suddenly feels like you are failing at everything. All of a sudden I feel like I've gained like 15 pounds and recently discovered every piece of cellulite on my body. My dog looks at me with these big sad eyes and I feel like the worst dog mom in the whole world. I went from being social to sitting on my couch by myself every night. 

I don't even know how to keep track of all the things I am supposed to be worried about right now. It's like this rollercoaster of exactly what I explained earlier, the I've-got-this ups to the I-just-can't downs. Worse is that I just feel so lonely. Even though I know there are so many other people out there feeling this exact same way. 

A few days ago I was reading in the Book of Mormon in Alma chapter 37. In verse 45 it says "....  shall the words of Christ, if we follow their course, carry us beyond this vale of sorrow into a far better land of promise." I don't know about y'all but I feel like labeling the year 2020 a "vale of sorrow". It's one hot mess after another. But next to this verse in my Book of Mormon I wrote these words,

That's what we find hope in, that there is something better waiting for us. 

Now sometimes that something better isn't in this life, because this world that we live in is a bit of a disaster at times and is FAR from fair. But often times that something better that is waiting for us is just around the corner. We just have to take the time to hold out hope and follow the words of Christ. It's not easy. It's not supposed to be easy. But God is good. He's watching over us. Tonight I was sitting on my couch crying after the Jazz lost (which I am deeply ashamed of because I have NEVER cried over a sporting event, outside of ones I have personally played in, in my entire life. I think it was a straw that broke the camels back moment) and I just let the emotion hit me. I cried and just said out loud, 

I just can't do this. I'm too tired. It's too hard. I just can't take any more. 

Then I was walking my dog at like 9:30 at night (mostly because I felt guilty for not taking her for a walk earlier, remember bad dog mom) and I had randomly before my walk tried to look up some uplifting music to listen to because I was just feeling so empty and numb and I happened upon the song 'you say' by Lauren Daigle which PS I have heard a ton of times and had no idea was about God until literally tonight while I was listening to it.  Anyways as I was walking all of a sudden these two lines from the song hit me like a ton of bricks

"You say I am loved when I can't feel a thing, You say I am strong when I think I am weak." 

God's love doesn't go away simply because we don't feel it. We are always loved. We can be overflowing with I-just-cannot-even's and still keep going. We can know that there is a far better land of promise waiting for us beyond this vale of sorrow. But we can also be tired. And that's okay. We get to feel what we feel and can still believe that things will work out. 

I'm exhausted. In every sense of the word. But that doesn't mean things won't get better. And it doesn't mean I'm failing. 

Neither are you. 

Love,

Nae