Anxiety
Hey so if you have interacted with me any time in the past, oh six or so months you might be aware that my body has been having a rough go. If you haven't been around or even if you have let me just take you on a quick recap.
Denae is in lot's of pain. No one knows why. She convinces herself it's all in her head and she needs to stop being stupid. Pain does not care and continues to be a part of her life. She goes to lot's of DR and they run lots of tests. She comes to find out that her tum tum isn't fully functioning but should be fine with a few different suggestions from the dr. Still having pain. Goes to more Dr.'s. Learns that she has a mild form of PCOS. Still having pain. Things maybe it's anxiety?? Finally decides to try counseling.
After a lot of promptings and internal struggles I reached out for help. I've experienced anxiety before, as I'm sure we all have, but I never would say that I have anxiety. (kind of like how we all go through depressing times of our lives but that doesn't necessarily mean that every single person suffers from clinical depression) But at this point I figure that I've had a million tests done and none of them have really come up with a big Why to all my random weird symptoms so let's try this out. I went to counseling for the very first time last week. Before we started she asked me to quickly fill out a paper one side with symptoms of depression the other with symptoms of anxiety. As I sat just explaining myself and what I had been experiencing these past few months and as she looked over the paper I had filled out, I realized that a major contributor to my health problems all this time has been anxiety. I not only realized that but I finally had someone, a professional, sitting in front of me explaining SO many of the things that were happening to me. Things that NO one else could. Symptoms that health care professional after health care professional didn't understand. It was almost like in that moment I overcame a huge hurdle. The dry mouth, the weird hot flashes, the having to freaking pee ALL THE TIME. All of those things connect back to anxiety.
I HAD NO IDEA PEOPLE.
NO IDEA!!!!!!
I had sat in doctors office after doctors office and NONE of them even mentioned that those things could potentially be anxiety. They were able to help me understand my stomach pain and find a solution for those things but not a single one could tell me why I had a weirdly dry mouth, or why it sometimes got hard to breath.
Now I have been praying about this whole situation pretty much since day one. Especially because it all just seemed so incredibly random and didn't make much sense. You could argue that the Lord could have just prompted me way back when that a big part of this was anxiety. Instead of spending thousands and thousands of dollars on tests and visiting so many doctors. That thought might have crossed my mind too (let's be real, it for sure crossed my mind, multiple times) but it didn't stay and here is why. I had been to the gynecologist to have my ovaries and hormones checked (because the lovely female reproduction system, while able to create life is also very able to make a woman's life a literal living hell and cause a multitude of weird ish to happen) After my visit and yet a few more tests she called to let me know that most everything looked really good except for the fact that I have a mild form of PCOS. Which shouldn't be the cause of my problems, but just something to know.
Now for most people that might not really seem like a big deal. It's a pretty mild form of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. It's only on one of my ovaries. No big deal right.
Except for the fact that there are other amazing woman in my life who have also had more sever versions of PCOS. And it has caused trials in their lives.
The thought that hit me that day that really testified to me that God works in mysterious ways was that what a blessing it was to find out about this now and know about it years before it might potentially have an impact on my ability to have a family. This is something I NEVER would have guessed about myself. And while it's probably not the biggest reason behind all my current health problems it's brought something to my attention that has the potential to have a HUGE impact on my future.
This is where I am currently. I am about to start some new vitamins/supplements for my stomach. And I'm starting to get some counseling to help me first of all understand my anxiety and find healthy ways to cope.
So why share all of this? Why announce to the world Hey! I have anxiety!
Well first off because mental health is NOT something we should EVER be embarrassed about.
Like ever.
Second because I hope my experience might be able to help someone else. Like I mentioned above I have no clue that so many of my strange symptoms could be tied back to anxiety. I thought I understood what anxiety was but I've come to realize I'm not nearly as educated as I should be. I am starting to realize that my anxiety is something I have had for a long time. I just never could define it. It doesn't look like the "traditional" anxiety. (or I should say what I believed traditional anxiety to be) In these moments of these weird symptoms I wasn't doing things that I was scared about. I didn't feel nervous. I was doing normal things that I enjoy doing. Never would I have said, oh hanging out with my friends or teaching my class is making me anxious. What I have come to see and what I am super hopeful I will discover during counseling is that there are deeper causes to anxiety. That it's not just a single event or situation that will cause it to flair up. But that it's a result of a long history of a certain thought process. I also hope to come to better understand myself and overcome whatever I've mentally been doing to hold myself back.
Life is messy. It's far from perfect. But it is also so incredibly beautiful. God is always there for us. During the month of May (AKA the longest month of any teachers life) I was really struggling. I was still super confused about my health, I had a million things to do before the end of the school year. I was just put into the relief society presidency, life was a bit crazy. And I remember just thinking there was no way I could do all of this on my own. The spirit quietly told me that I wasn't supposed to do it on my own. That God was there to help.
I felt really dumb and quiet a bit humbled in that moment. I had decided that because I had prayed months before for the health stuff to go away or to understand it and since it hadn't that this was just a trial I needed to endure. In that moment I was reminded that while I might have put a limit on God's ability to help me, He never had. He reminded me that I for sure could NOT do everything by myself. But that I wasn't supposed to. Since that day whenever it get's too hard to bear on my own I quickly say a little prayer and ask for strength. Not once have those prayers not been answered.
God is real. He loves us. He is there to lift us during our trials and challenges.
I have anxiety. And it's going to be okay :)
Love always,
Nae
Denae is in lot's of pain. No one knows why. She convinces herself it's all in her head and she needs to stop being stupid. Pain does not care and continues to be a part of her life. She goes to lot's of DR and they run lots of tests. She comes to find out that her tum tum isn't fully functioning but should be fine with a few different suggestions from the dr. Still having pain. Goes to more Dr.'s. Learns that she has a mild form of PCOS. Still having pain. Things maybe it's anxiety?? Finally decides to try counseling.
After a lot of promptings and internal struggles I reached out for help. I've experienced anxiety before, as I'm sure we all have, but I never would say that I have anxiety. (kind of like how we all go through depressing times of our lives but that doesn't necessarily mean that every single person suffers from clinical depression) But at this point I figure that I've had a million tests done and none of them have really come up with a big Why to all my random weird symptoms so let's try this out. I went to counseling for the very first time last week. Before we started she asked me to quickly fill out a paper one side with symptoms of depression the other with symptoms of anxiety. As I sat just explaining myself and what I had been experiencing these past few months and as she looked over the paper I had filled out, I realized that a major contributor to my health problems all this time has been anxiety. I not only realized that but I finally had someone, a professional, sitting in front of me explaining SO many of the things that were happening to me. Things that NO one else could. Symptoms that health care professional after health care professional didn't understand. It was almost like in that moment I overcame a huge hurdle. The dry mouth, the weird hot flashes, the having to freaking pee ALL THE TIME. All of those things connect back to anxiety.
I HAD NO IDEA PEOPLE.
NO IDEA!!!!!!
I had sat in doctors office after doctors office and NONE of them even mentioned that those things could potentially be anxiety. They were able to help me understand my stomach pain and find a solution for those things but not a single one could tell me why I had a weirdly dry mouth, or why it sometimes got hard to breath.
Now I have been praying about this whole situation pretty much since day one. Especially because it all just seemed so incredibly random and didn't make much sense. You could argue that the Lord could have just prompted me way back when that a big part of this was anxiety. Instead of spending thousands and thousands of dollars on tests and visiting so many doctors. That thought might have crossed my mind too (let's be real, it for sure crossed my mind, multiple times) but it didn't stay and here is why. I had been to the gynecologist to have my ovaries and hormones checked (because the lovely female reproduction system, while able to create life is also very able to make a woman's life a literal living hell and cause a multitude of weird ish to happen) After my visit and yet a few more tests she called to let me know that most everything looked really good except for the fact that I have a mild form of PCOS. Which shouldn't be the cause of my problems, but just something to know.
Now for most people that might not really seem like a big deal. It's a pretty mild form of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. It's only on one of my ovaries. No big deal right.
Except for the fact that there are other amazing woman in my life who have also had more sever versions of PCOS. And it has caused trials in their lives.
The thought that hit me that day that really testified to me that God works in mysterious ways was that what a blessing it was to find out about this now and know about it years before it might potentially have an impact on my ability to have a family. This is something I NEVER would have guessed about myself. And while it's probably not the biggest reason behind all my current health problems it's brought something to my attention that has the potential to have a HUGE impact on my future.
This is where I am currently. I am about to start some new vitamins/supplements for my stomach. And I'm starting to get some counseling to help me first of all understand my anxiety and find healthy ways to cope.
So why share all of this? Why announce to the world Hey! I have anxiety!
Well first off because mental health is NOT something we should EVER be embarrassed about.
Like ever.
Second because I hope my experience might be able to help someone else. Like I mentioned above I have no clue that so many of my strange symptoms could be tied back to anxiety. I thought I understood what anxiety was but I've come to realize I'm not nearly as educated as I should be. I am starting to realize that my anxiety is something I have had for a long time. I just never could define it. It doesn't look like the "traditional" anxiety. (or I should say what I believed traditional anxiety to be) In these moments of these weird symptoms I wasn't doing things that I was scared about. I didn't feel nervous. I was doing normal things that I enjoy doing. Never would I have said, oh hanging out with my friends or teaching my class is making me anxious. What I have come to see and what I am super hopeful I will discover during counseling is that there are deeper causes to anxiety. That it's not just a single event or situation that will cause it to flair up. But that it's a result of a long history of a certain thought process. I also hope to come to better understand myself and overcome whatever I've mentally been doing to hold myself back.
Life is messy. It's far from perfect. But it is also so incredibly beautiful. God is always there for us. During the month of May (AKA the longest month of any teachers life) I was really struggling. I was still super confused about my health, I had a million things to do before the end of the school year. I was just put into the relief society presidency, life was a bit crazy. And I remember just thinking there was no way I could do all of this on my own. The spirit quietly told me that I wasn't supposed to do it on my own. That God was there to help.
I felt really dumb and quiet a bit humbled in that moment. I had decided that because I had prayed months before for the health stuff to go away or to understand it and since it hadn't that this was just a trial I needed to endure. In that moment I was reminded that while I might have put a limit on God's ability to help me, He never had. He reminded me that I for sure could NOT do everything by myself. But that I wasn't supposed to. Since that day whenever it get's too hard to bear on my own I quickly say a little prayer and ask for strength. Not once have those prayers not been answered.
God is real. He loves us. He is there to lift us during our trials and challenges.
I have anxiety. And it's going to be okay :)
Love always,
Nae
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